Look at this its halarios

  • Perfect Husband


    Several men are sitting around the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:


    "Hello?"
    "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


    "Yes."
    "Great! I'm at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"


    "What's the price?"
    "Only $1,500.00."


    "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
    "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
    "What price did he quote you?"
    " Only $60,000..."


    "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."


    "What?"
    "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."


    "How much are they asking?"
    "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."


    "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
    "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye...I do too..."


    The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
    "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"



    i found this on another forum that has tons of them ill post more later

  • A boy and his father from Redneck-City were at Walmart. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.


    The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"


    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.


    The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

  • There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbour's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.


    After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Dad" said the boy. "Yes" replied his father. "The bull just ****ed the brown cow."
    There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.


    "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."


    The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said"Hey, Daddy." "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pappy! He ****ed the brown cow again!"

  • Jackass


    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need
    to take it out on someone!!
    Don't take that bad day out on someone you know. Take
    it out on someone you DON'T know!!!


    Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
    I had to make.


    I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"



    I politely said "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
    Carter?"


    Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
    could be that rude. I tracked down
    Robin's correct number and called her. She had
    transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the
    wrong number still lying there on my desk


    I decided to call it again.


    When the same person once more answered. I yelled, "you're a jackass!"
    and hung up.


    Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk
    drawer. Every couple of weeks,
    when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call
    him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell. "You're a jackass!" It would always
    cheer me up.


    Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real
    disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass.


    Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice.
    "Hello."


    I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company
    and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"


    He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
    said, "That's because you're a jackass!"


    The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
    there's ever anything really bothering you.
    You can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.


    [Keep reading, it gets better!]


    This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
    space. I didn't think she was ever going to
    leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started
    to very slowly back out of the slot.


    I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great,
    I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes
    flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.


    I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy.
    I was here first!"


    The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward
    the mall as if he didn't even hear me.


    I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there's sure a lot of
    jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a
    "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote
    down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.


    A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
    off the phone after calling 823-4863 and
    yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him
    now since I have his number on my speed dial.)


    I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my
    desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.


    After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said.
    "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"


    "Yes, it is."


    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"


    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
    parked right out front.


    I said. "What's your name?"


    "My name is Don Hansen."


    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


    "I'm home in the evenings."


    "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"


    "Yes,"


    "Don, you're a jackass!!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up
    I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things
    seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
    jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses
    and hanging up on them. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.



    I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:


    First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,


    "Hello."


    I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.


    The jackass said. "Are you still there?"


    I said, "Yeah."


    He said. "Stop calling me.


    I said. "No."


    He said, "What's your name, Pal?"


    I said, "Don Hansen."


    He said, "Where do you live?"


    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked
    out front."


    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.



    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.


    Then I called Jackass #2.


    He answered. "Hello."


    I said, "Hello, Jackass."


    He said, "If I ever find out who you are I'll."


    "You'll what?"


    "I'll kick your a**."


    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"


    And I hung up.


    Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
    1802 West 34th street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon
    as he got home.


    Another quick call to channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th
    Street.


    After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th street watch the
    whole thing.


    Glorious!


    Watching two Jackasses kicking the c**p out of each other in front of 6
    squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!


    Name withheld to protect the guilty.

  • A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was
    deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly
    his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,
    leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and
    looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going
    again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he
    could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.


    As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed
    that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.


    Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel
    pump."


    The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the
    hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.


    There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was
    amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel
    pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."


    Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the
    key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short
    thanks to the horse and screeched away.


    When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large
    whiskey, please!" he said.


    A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
    "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"


    "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the
    rancher.


    The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you
    say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"


    The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"


    "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because
    the black horse don't know sh!t about cars!"

  • A blonde calls the police to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.


    "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.


    The police dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."


    Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.


    "Never mind," she giggles, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

  • POSH and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £35,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "£35,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £35,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump." "No, babe," says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again

  • A cute little girl with curly hair goes into a pet shop and teetering backwards and forwards on her toes, says to the shop keeper


    "Pleeth mithster thop keeper I am looking for a litoo furwy wabit"


    The shop keeper wanting to be customer friendly goes down on his knees in order to be at the same level as the little girl and asks


    "Wet me thee. We haw litoo bwack furwy ones, litoo bwawn furwy ones and litoo wite furwy ones, which type of litoo furwy wabit would you like?"


    To which the little girl replies:


    "I don't fink my python gives a thit."

  • A cute little girl with curly hair goes into a pet shop and teetering backwards and forwards on her toes, says to the shop keeper


    "Pleeth mithster thop keeper I am looking for a litoo furwy wabit"


    The shop keeper wanting to be customer friendly goes down on his knees in order to be at the same level as the little girl and asks


    "Wet me thee. We haw litoo bwack furwy ones, litoo bwawn furwy ones and litoo wite furwy ones, which type of litoo furwy wabit would you like?"


    To which the little girl replies:


    "I don't fink my python gives a thit."

  • A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Bubba, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool!


    Bubba was fightingthe alligator! Bubba was jabbing the gators eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.


    The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Bubba and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Bubba strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a fairground goldfish.


    Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool.


    Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.


    Finally the host says, "Well, Bubba, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."


    "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Bubba.


    The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" No thanks. I don't want it," answered Bubba.
    The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
    something. "Don't want no money at all. " repeated Bubba.


    Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Bubba, then what do you want?"


    Bubba said, "I would like the name of the son of a b!tch who pushed me in the pool."

  • good jokes but some of them are to long i liked the first one 8-)

    LARA ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :0)
    LARA: You might try to kill me
    Powell: I'm not going to kill you
    LARA: I said you try